I am 5’11.75.” Well, ok just like cis men of any height add 1.5 inches, tall women often shave little bits off–I am effectively six feet all. Like many tall women, I struggle with pants.
As a gawky 12 year old I realized that I was fated to have either too-short pants or ugly pants. For a few years I made do with men’s Lee and Levi’s jeans that were sold according to inseam and helpfully put a little square patch right on the back of your pants to display my waist and inseam measurements to the world. I you haven’t tried men’s Lee’s and Levi’s jeans from the early 1990’s (why would you?) they are basically designed to flatter the body of Spongebob Squarepants if Spongebob had meaty man thighs. Thank god grunge became cool soon after, and I got in the habit of wearing men’s overalls or my dad’s ginormous pants cinched at the waist with a belt, and felt pretty good about things. That led to a full embrace of thrift store fashion– well fitting, appropriately long pants weren’t available, but I was too busy wearing bizarre vintage dresses to care. Then something crazy happened– in the late 1990s some of my way cooler friends started to work at the newly opened Urban Outfitters. The era of designer denim had finally arrived in Columbus, Ohio and suddenly all the kids (boys and girls alike) were wearing perfectly faded, whiskered jeans that made their butts look amazing. At first I balked and made fun on the beautiful jeans sashaying around, mostly because my midwestern middle class heart could not understand how it could be ok to pay 100 hard earned minimum wage dollars or more for a pair of jeans. I couldn’t hold out though and soon found myself in a dressing room with a giant stack of ridiculously expensive jeans in the dressing room of Urban and a couple of the other shops who had started peddling designer denim.
This was a magical time for my legs. Brands like Seven for All Mankind were making their typical jeans in lengths that were straight up long enough –for ME!!! Yes maybe it was because it was cool to wear your jeans with heels, and no I could definitely not achieve the same effect as my shorter friends on the occasions that I actually tried to totter around in heels or platforms. But dammit those jeans were looongggg and they looked about a gazillion times better than any pants I had worn to date. It was a halcyon era of pants wearing for tall femme people, and I got used to it. Over time I figured out the brands that worked for me and counted on having access to long-enough jeans. I had go-to straight leg jeans (looking at you, J Brand) that I could actually cuff(!) to wear with ankle boots. My short counterparts got used to getting their pants hemmed (yes I am glossing over their utter annoyance).
I wish I had appreciated those times more, and maybe stockpiled those jeans in a variety of sizes and rises for my future mom bod, because lately the jeans landscape has gotten BLEAK for tall femme people. Last month when I realized I had worn nothing but yoga pants for months, I decided to go through my jeans. After washing them all because they smelled funny after months of sitting in my closet, I tried them all on. It came to the sad realization that my last go-to style, Koral skinny jeans, are just not right anymore. The rise isn’t high enough and they are too jeggings-y for my 40s (I turned 40 in quarantine). I put them in a bag to donate and started the search for my new go-to jeans– something high rise, straight leg, in a 32-33 inch inseam for ankle length and a 34-35 inch inseam for full length. I’d also like some skinny pairs mixed in because dammit I still like them.
Soon after beginning my search I realized that I am fucked. For some reason jeans are now being sold in “ankle” length. Everlane, which seems to be the flag bearing maker of decently made, decently priced jeans these days sells most of their jeans in “ankle” and “regular” length. I ordered a skinny style in a lovely dark blue thinking that the regular length would hit at my ankles. They did not. They hit several inches above my ankles. Hmmm. Next I tried ordering one of the maybe 3 styles offered in a “tall” length, thinking they would certainly hit at my ankles at least. NOPE!! They also hit maybe 3 inches above my ankles. I widened my search. Levi’s wedgie jeans are the exact style I want, but the longest inseam they are offered in is a 28(?!?) It seems that for many brands, a 30 inch inseam is now “long.” Is this about fabric costs? Are they trying to get us to buy winter boots? Wtf is going on here? Madewell has some good looking tall styles (and even a tantalizing “taller” category for one or two pairs of jeans) but the damn tall sizes on the jeans I want are completely sold out. Madewell, does this tell you something? Everlane and Levi’s, are you taking notes? Please make some long goddamn jeans!! I will pay extra for a 34 inch inseam. Please don’t make me have to pay $200+ jeans from Mother or Agolde. I really don’t want to pay that much for jeans. I will pay the difference in fabric cost. I will write you five star reviews and tell all of my tall friends how wonderful you are. I don’t want to be cranky with you. I just want some jeans that cover my ankles and look alright on a 40 year old mom, okay? Please?
rabbit holes and remorse 